chennaicentral

Movie Disclaimers

The weekend fun ritual had to be started and here I was, once again racking my brains as to what to come up with to entertain my fellow bloggers. Out of the blue, I remembered the Union ministry diktat to Indian cinema to stop showing smoking in films. Although the deadline has been extended, the government is apparently firm on the move and the celluloid dream-weavers are understandably nervous. After all, if the only way to show the hero of your movie as larger-than-life is to have him bash up the baddies while the lighted cigarette between his lips moves like a pendulum-on-steroids and the already-beaten-to-a-pulp villains are also subject to p(m)assive smoke inhalation while the hero delivers a sermon on morals, I would be concerned too.

There is also a debate on how much the government should have a say in "creative expression". After all, a situation where there is a government representative at every shoot, going thru all dialogues and scenes and making sure there is compliance at every level, would be highly hilarious and may be itself worthy of a comedy movie. These days, it is not uncommon to see a disclaimer (advisory, if you will) appear before smoking (and excessive alcoholism) scenes in TV serials. So, letting my imagination run amok, I thought how nice it would be if we can have a disclaimer for many such things in Indian movies.

So, here is my weekend humor on movie disclaimers for the most common scenes found in our films. Of course, this is by no means exhaustive and I welcome people to contribute many such ideas so that we can all be aware of how "educative" Indian cinema can become. Please remember that all such disclaimers are shown before the particular scene appears, so before every scene, imagine some text set against a dark background that warns you about what you are about to see.

Existing ideas:

For smoking - "Cigarette smoking is injurious to health".
For alcoholism - "Excessive alcohol consumption leads to cirrhosis of the liver and other health problems".

Proposed ideas:

Husband slapping/hitting his wife and wife taking it submissively/toeing his line - "This is just a dramatization. Please don't try this at home since we can't guarantee results. We are not responsible for *collateral damage* arising out of unintended consequences and/or any legal costs and other costs possibly arising from your divorce proceedings".

Offering of sweets on a joyous occasion - "Diabetic patients are hereby advised that this scene was not intended to create any craving in you. If your urges overtake you and you suffer from the consequences, you agree to indemnify us against all future claims on your health due to this scene or any such scenes you may have witnessed in any Indian movie."

Smooching and/or other PDA (Public Display of Affection) - "The following scene is strictly disallowed in real life by the Moral Police Association of India (MPAI). Anybody caught contravening the provisions of this particular law can face lengthy prison times and may even lose citizenship rights. So, please be advised that any physical display of affection has to be first approved by the MPAI. What we are trying to do here is help you fulfil your fantasies at least in reel life and so, sit back, relax and enjoy the virtual while still being virtuous."

Swear words, put-downs, insinuations etc. - "Although the law does not prohibit you from using the kind of language that you are about to see in the next scene, we still urge caution since we don't want you to end up with a defamation suit. Needless to say, if someone does sue you for slander, we are in no way liable for it and you have to face the music yourself. That is why Indian movies have music. We just train you for such unexpected things in life."

Twins separated shortly after birth - "We show such scenes only because the two actors can be shown to have different lives - one good and the other bad as also the importance of the family song in bringing them together can be highlighted. But we strictly advise you not to follow this format if you have twins (or greater) and more so if you a) don't have a family song and/or b) your voice approximates to that of a *mafia-boss*key."

Blood *tilak* from a knife/sword/any sharp thing (like a trident for example) especially in temple scenes in Thamizh movies - "Sharp instruments are for cutting anything other than body parts (unless you are a Coroner). So, please do not attempt this at any time. Blood is NOT a substitute for kumkum REPEAT blood is NOT a substitute for kumkum. Next time you have a bleeding finger, go in search of a first-aid box, not someone with an unmarked forehead."

Slashing of wrists over love failure - "If you have failed in love, congratulations, you are not alone. Rather you are in the statistical comfort zone of the "99.99% failure" cases. Nothing unusual and so take heart that you have company. Also note that with the failure, you have just slashed your mobile charges, fancy-restaurant bills and expenses for greeting cards/flowers/petrol. Those are the things that need to be slashed. Not your wrists."

High-speed car and bike chases on busy streets - "We have to let you know that no hero in any movie is foolhardy enough to risk life and limb in dangerous stunts such as what you are about to see. The real hero in that scene is the stunt man (also known as the dupe) and in a majority of cases he gets hurt. So, we strongly advise you to desist from revving up your engine or performing "wheeley" and all that unless you want to shape your career as a dupe. On the other hand, if the purpose is to impress girls, we have a suggestion. You can try to dupe them by showing the video of your stunt as though done in high speed when it reality you could perform it in a really slow manner and our animation software can take care of the rest. Charges apply."

And finally this message comes at the end of every movie:

"Thank you for watching this film. As you know, movies are just for entertainment and relaxation. They are a diversion at best and a distraction at worst. You need to be really focused on your studies or career. That is what will take you places. It is said "aim for the stars and you'll at least reach the tree-tops". If you were the paparazzi with a camera in hand, that saying takes on a totally different meaning. We assume that your idea of fun is not to catch the reel stars at inappropriate moments but a much farther goal of being a real shining star in your chosen field. For that, you need to build on your skills and develop your expertise.

But if you are really interested in movies as a career, then we have a small suggestion for you. Please empathize with the Guild of Movie Makers (note the "d", not "t") first and sign a petition against the government's move of making these disclaimers mandatory when screening films. With every frame preceded by a disclaimer, our movies are beginning to look much worse than sub-titled films."

(Disclaimer: Here we go again :-). Although I am a non-smoker and non-drinker myself, I am neither for nor against the move to regulate the showing of smoking and other such things. Of course, personally I don't believe that smoking is a sine-qua-non to a macho image as has been depicted in our movies all these years. Being a real hero means being someone with a "fire in the belly" to make a positive change to oneself and to society. Being fired up with imagination to think and even daringly attempt to do the impossible. One has to have a lot of inner strength to do that. Smoking as a confidence-booster or a symbol of masculinity is a mythical concept and is secondary to the above. After all, there can be no smoke without fire) :-)

posted by thennavan @ 4:48 PM